Lately, I keep catching the same bus as the “Weeelllll,” guy.

When he talks to people, before he answers any question, he pauses. Takes a breath. And then, sighing, draws out a long “weeeelllllll,” followed by his reply.

No matter where I sit on the bus, I hear that “weeeeellllll.”

Once, he commented on how much he loves riding his bike around the city. Weeeelllllll, he’s been here, he’s been there, but he’s never been to Southeast because, weeeelllllll, he’s too scared.

Today, he climbed aboard wearing, I shit you not, an alpaca poncho. Exactly like those Peruvian flute players at the mall.

Weeeeellllll. Whatadouche, amirite?

Metro Weekly nicely went ahead and transcribed the bullshit, so you don’t have to actually watch the video.

From some fool who says she is a doctor:

”The immediate action of passing the same-sex marriage bill, 18 40 82, is to normalize predominantly homosexual activity such as anal sex and require the promotion in the schools as a legal, normal activity and part of the sex education…. Who will protect the children? There are more HIV infections among young black men who have sex with men, aged 13-29, than among any other age group…. I am aware that students are terrified to be taken out of sex ed. They get on their knees and beg to their parents to be included. Because, to be outside is to be labeled the conservative. To go to the library while everyone else is in class having sex ed, means that you then —. When you refuse to go to sex ed, you then become the group that is discriminated against…. The anus was designed for exit, not entrance…. [Lesbian marriages] are not my argument.”

We hold these truths to be self-evident:

• Anal sex makes you a fag
• Going to sex ed means you will be a fag because you learn about anal sex
• Not going to sex ed makes you uncool cuz you won’t be a fag like all your friends.
• Lesbians are they ok cuz they don’t have anal sex.

I hope we’ve all learned some important lessons here.

Perhaps my favorite story to come out of the tea baggers:

Well, at one point in the afternoon, a white woman wearing a shirt that said “Kill Fags,” which appeared to be a homemade silkscreen job, felt a similar call of nature. At the door of the Penn Quarter Sports Tavern she met the bar’s marketing and events manager. He told her that she could not use the restroom.

“So you’re refusing?” she asked.

“Yes,” he said. “There’s no public option here.”

“Bastard,” she said.

“I can do you one better,” he said. “I suck cock.”

He then put his tongue in his cheek and cupped his hand, moving it back and forth in front of his mouth in the internationally-recognized gesture for fellatio.

“I’m one of those,” he said, pointing at her shirt. She left to find a bathroom more accommodating to her sort.

Hey, that’s my neighborhood!

Middle-aged guy to straggling 2 year-old girl: “Hurry up, [girl’s name], or one of the crackheads will get you.”

“Avocado is like butter made from vegetables”

“You’re going to have to wheel me home. Find a wheel barrow, and then wheel me home in it. I’m drunk on Mexican food.”